Love cannot be defined in one thought. I will attempt several, each of which I believe capture some of the essence of what true love is:

Love is a commitment first and foremost. A commitment to honor, cherish, and protect the object of your love. A commitment to the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of the one you love. A commitment to think of your loved one first and to provide for their needs first. True love says no-one and no-thing can dissuade my commitment to you. True love is very emotional, but true love is not an emotion. True love is a commitment.

One second about divorce. Divorce does not happen when there is true love. True love is not an emotion and does not change day to day. True love can be lost, if it is not tended to. Divorce is only the legal and public display of a commitment that has faded of its own accord. Any relationship can be saved, if both parties are willing to work on it. True love says I am willing to change to accommodate you. Both the husband and the wife will be supremely happy when they both adopt this attitude. True love does not say, “This is how it must be for me to be happy.” True love asks, “How can I make you happy.” When both spouses think like this, they will find that they are both happy.

True love honors the other. This means that true love looks for ways to truthfully praise and to esteem the loved one. Empty praise is just that. Praise for the sake of praise alone is not genuine. But real praise and real appreciation, coming from the heart, lift and fill a person with life. Small things work just as well as large. Actions work better than words, though both are required. Love covers a multitude of sins, and this is not restricted to the love of our Savior. This expression of love through praise and affection creates a buffer against small annoyances and grievances. When this buffer of honor and esteem are lost, every little thing has the potential to escalate into a deadly argument. The key is not extravagance but consistency and honesty. Examples: “Thank you for working a hard day today. It is nice to not worry about bills,” and then, do not worry about the bills. “Thank you for taking care of the laundry! I appreciate having fresh, clean clothes to start the day,” and then, do not casually toss dirty clothes on the floor, bed, or chair (I am guilty here!).

True love cherishes the other. This means that they are valuable to you. This part is easy to miss in the day to day of life. Do not take your loved one for granted! Make their time valuable to you. I often find myself wanting in this regard. Are you always busy when you have time together? Is there always something you would rather be doing when you are spending time with your loved one? This is deadly for any relationship. It causes a distance and a gap. Your kids and your spouse will know how valuable they are to you by how you spend your time. That first crush and first dating experience sticks with you. You can almost fall in love with dating as much as the person, because there is someone who values you and thinks you are special. This is what leads to so much of the romance in a dating or courting relationship. That feeling of love (love is a commitment) comes from being cherished and cherishing the one you love. If you want to restore that feeling in your relationship, start showing your partner how much you value them. Gifts are only valuable if they are a real expression of how much you value your partner. You can give your kids the gift of confidence in all of their life by showing them that they are important to you. You teach them that they are valuable and that what they do is valuable. They will need this later in life to build healthy relationships of their own. I will talk more about this in another post.

True love causes you to protect the one you love. True love values the loved one, and true love seeks to protect that loved one. Beyond the obvious physical protection, this means you are protective of their self-worth and the things that they value. For example: you do not get glory, esteem, or pleasure at the expense of the one you love. Parents, never tell people about how you saved your kids from doing something stupid, or had to fix their mistake. You are raising your own ego at the expense of theirs. This tears them down, it does not protect them. Kids, and people in general, are going to make mistakes, sometimes when they have been told better. It is part of how people learn and grow (not just kids). Your reaction to their mistakes can have a stronger and longer-lasting impact on them than their mistake itself. For any relationship of love, the ones you love must know that they are safe with you. They are safe to be who they are and you will not attack them, or cut them down for it. They are safe knowing that if they make mistakes you will be there to help them overcome those mistakes, not to kick them while they are down. This is one of the most important attitudes of love a church family needs to have towards one another. The cherishing of love cannot happen if there is no safety in the relationship. It has often been said that those closest to you are those that hurt you the most. Let us look at this from the perspective of love, not I-based. Translated it is: those who are the closest to me are the ones I have the greatest power to hurt. So I must protect my loved ones from myself as much as from anything else. This is where self-control and purposeful actions come into play, more on that later.

I have been blessed in my life to be on the receiving end of such love. Now as a husband and a father, I endeavor to give love like this to my wife and kids. There is far more to be said about love and I will post more later. Also, as I discover new truths about love, I will revise my understanding here.